Boku wa Hen Da
by Tsukiyono Omi
Summary: A little look into Nagi's head, and into his past


I dont own Nagi or Schwarz or Tot or anyone...I made up his mommy, and Fukushuu. it means 'vengence' ^^;;  
WARNINGS: Angst! Dark, , rape, child prostitution, yaoi implications, more angst...if I haven't scared you off by now...enjoy! ^^;;  
  
  
Boku wa Hen Da  
  
They call me 'the Prodigy'. I wish they would just call me Nagi. I hate that nickname--excuse me, codename. I just want to be normal Naoe Nagi again.  
  
Even if I am rather...not normal.  
  
In fact, I'm just plain weird.  
  
For as long as I can really remember, I've been telekinetic. That means I move things with my mind. It sounds like it would be fun. It's anything but that.   
  
I remember the first time my powers came out. I was seven.  
  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
  
A small child curled into a ball, making himself as small as possible. "G-gomen, mama."  
  
"Horrid child!" a plate smashed against the wall, over the child's head, shattering into a dozen pieces. "I never should have had you! I knew you would be nothing but trouble!" another plate smashed above his head.  
  
One of the larger shards sliced the boy's arm, making him cry out in pain, "It wasn't my fault! They were picking on me again!"   
  
The woman looked down on the child, rage obvious in her eyes. "Naoe Nagi, don't you dare talk back to your mother! I brought you into this world. I feed you and keep a roof over your head. I knew God was punishing me my making me have you! Punishing me for one mistake with that man!"  
  
Nagi glared at his mother, wishing for all he was worth that he had something to throw at her.  
  
"I never should have had you! I-" the woman was hit from behind with a chair. .After a few stunned moments she whirled around to face her assailant...only to find the Western-style kitchen chair floating in front of her, its legs three feet from the ground. As she stared in shock the other chair, along with several small kitchen appliances, joined the first in floating. The house around them began to shake, knocking pictures from the walls and sending trinkets crashing to the floor.  
  
She turned to face the boy cowering in the corner, fear joining the anger in her eyes. "Anata wa...Akuma no ko! Akuma no ko! Get out of my house! Evil child!" She threw another plate at the slowly rising child, "I knew you were evil!"  
  
The thrown dish never made it to its target; somehow, through his confusion and fear, Nagi managed to reverse the flight of the plate, hitting the woman and knocking her unconscious. The boy wiped away the tears that were more of confusion than of sadness. He stumbled to his small room, packed what few sets of clothing that he had, and left.  
  
Never once did he look back at his mother.  
  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
  
I remember my mother was a devout Christian. One of the few Japanese that are. Since that day, I have no religion.  
  
Maybe I am evil, like she said. 'Akuma no ko'...'Child of Daemons'. Just because I could move things with my mind. Because I was different.  
  
I never knew who my father was. As far as I know, it was some random man that convinced my mother to sleep with him one nite, then was gone in the morning. Or maybe her old lover, who left her when they learned she was pregnant with me. I'm a bastard child. She said that automatically made me bad.  
  
Being telekinetic made me evil.  
  
I've never known the love of another human. Not my mother, not my father, no one. Does the human emotion called 'love' really even exist?  
  
If it does, do I deserve to have it, feel it? I'm a killer. A monster. Maybe my mother was right all those years ago. Maybe the other kids on the street were right in calling me a monster. They threw rocks at me and made fun of me. And they feared me. But I'm not bitter...really.  
  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
  
The child lie curled up in the corner of an alley, head resting on a small bag containing his only possessions. He was grubby and dirty; he only bathed once, maybe twice a week, if he could find enough water.  
  
"So hungry..." he murmured to the brick walls. He had always been a small, slight boy. If he had been female he would have been 'petite' and 'cute'. Over a year of only eating when he could, which wasn't often, had reduced the slight boy to nothing more than a wisp of a child.  
  
He closed his eyes, hoping that sleep would take away the hunger-pains. When he could eat he slept. It worked for a while...then he woke up, more hungry then when he had gone to sleep.  
  
No sooner than he had finally drifted into a fitful slumber did a shadow pass over his small form. "Well well, if it isn't Yuurei-Naoe, all nice and curled up asleep."  
  
Nagi's eyes flew open at the sound of the familiar voice. Of all the street children that picked on him, Fukushuu was the worst. He was the one who had come up with the name 'Yuurei Naoe' after seeing the boy's mind powers. "Go away, 'Kushuu. I don't wanna 'play' with you today."  
  
Fukushuu snorted, "when do you wanna play, Naoe? I have to do everything every time I wanna play."  
  
Nagi frowned and attempted to curl tighter into himself. Fukushuu was 14, 5 years his senior, though he looked to be almost 17. The first time the older boy had told Nagi of his interest in boys and had tried to 'play' with the younger boy he had found himself pinned to the wall with Nagi several feet away, arms stretched out in front of him.  
  
"Bakemono!" he yelled. "Yuurei! I just wanted to have some fun!"   
  
And thus, Nagi had come to earn the name 'Yuurei Naoe'. And eventually, after weeks of pressure and the promise of a meal, Nagi had finally lay passively under the Fukushuu while the older boy took his pleasure.  
  
Nagi quickly learned that, though he was only 7 at the time, he was considered good looking, and was quite desirable to many people. He also learned a good way to earn food and money. While being a child prostitute was not Nagi's idea of fun, or even a decent living, it kept him alive. That was what was important.  
  
"C'mon, Yuurei-chan, play with me. You know you like it."   
  
Nagi glowered at the older boy, "No. you never pay me. And I hate you." He lashed out with his mind, sending Fukushuu flying against the wall with an audible crack. The boy didn't have to check him to know that he was dead; blood poured thickly from hi skull, forming a large crimson pool around his head.  
  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
  
  
That was the first time I ever killed someone, at the age of nine. It certainly wasn't the last time.   
  
I want to quit Schwarz. I want to stop killing and live while I still can. I'm only 15, there's still a chance for me. If I can quit Schwarz, I'll be ok. I'll get an apartment, go back to school, everything will be normal.   
  
Oh how I wish I could go to school again. I haven't stepped inside a school since the say I was thrown out of my house; the day I got into a fight at school. I couldn't go while I was on the streets, and Crawford never allowed me to go once I joined Schwarz when I was 12.  
  
I should be in my first year of high school now, with all the other kids my age. But Crawford won't let me go. He says we have to keep a low profile.   
  
I think that only applies to Farfarello and myself. Not that I mind being away from people; that's what I prefer. But I do want to go to school. I even wear a school uniform every day. I know there's no real reason to do so. Maybe it's my obsession with knowledge and learning that disillusions me into wearing it, hoping, one day, I'll be able to return to school.  
  
If I left Schwarz I could go to school. But I don't think that's going to happen. But I don't think that's going to happen. The only way out of Schwarz is death. And I survived too many years on the streets to die that easily. I'm not proud of what I did, but I did it to live, and dammit, I'm going to live!  
  
No matter how dirty, how tainted I am. I will live. Not for anyone else, but for myself. I will live to spite everyone who ever hated me, who ever hurt me.   
  
I will live to spite the world.  
  
I belong to Schwarz. I'm dirty, tainted. I've slept with more people over the past 7 years than most people will in their lives. Including, of course, the other members of Schwarz. Especially Schuldich. I'm his favourite toy when Crawford is being especially cold. Which is often.  
  
Of all the other members I think I like Farfarello the best. Even if he is a rough lover, often drawing blood, he isn't as crazy as most people think. He's actually quite intelligent and a good conversationalist, once you get past his obsession with 'hurting God'.  
  
I think I may join him one day on one of his 'I must hurt God' escapades. My mother was a Christian. I want to hurt her. If she isn't dead by now, I may find her and let Farfie have a little fun with her. I think I'll float in front of her as he carves her up. She deserves it. She never loved me.   
  
Sometimes I think I'm not worthy of love. No one has ever loved me. The only one who has had feelings for me other than contempt or the indifference of my colleagues is Tot. A member of our enemy-who-isn't. Schrient isn't really our enemy-not like Weiss is. The group of female assassins is just...in the way. But we have a common enemy, so they can't be all that bad.  
  
Tot is the youngest member of Schrient, as I am of Schwarz. She's 17 (I was told this by Schuldich) but acts as if she was about 4. I'm not sure as to why, but I do know, like Farfie, she isn't as insane as everyone thinks.   
  
I think it has something to do with her father. All I could get from her was that he was 'a bad man' and that she hated him. Sure there's a good reason as to why she hates her father so much. I could easily be the same reason as to why she holds herself as a child. I really wish I knew.  
  
I think, maybe, I might be in love with Tot. She has about her some kind of pure  
innocence that I can never again hope to achieve. Maybe it isn't love. Maybe its just infatuation, mixed with the desire to be able to hold on to something pure, to protect someone the way I never was. Whatever it is, I have to keep that girl safe, no matter what I do.  
  
If she dies, even I would die.   
  
  
Owari! ...Nagi-sama, please forgive me..... 


End file.
